9-12 months
When you have a baby, grandparents can be a Godsend, offering you support, childcare and a wealth of advice. However, it helps to talk and set some rules so you and they know what to expect of each other.
The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is a special one that starts from the moment your baby is born. In the first days and weeks, most grandparents will be more than happy to spend lots of time with their grandchild and help you as you settle into family life. However, you shouldn't expect them to always devote their time to helping you as time goes by. Equally, you need to be able to push back if you feel they are overly involved and you need a little space, especially if two sets of grandparents are in the mix.
The most important thing to remember is that grandparents mean well and that any involvement is meant for all the right reasons: they want to help you and your child. As you find your feet, talk to them about the things they can do that will help you – most grandparents will want to feel useful and needed. From picking up the groceries to taking your baby out for a stroll in the park while you wash and dry your hair, their support can be invaluable.
Don't forget they've been through it all too and can give you top tips and advice of their own, not to mention encouragement and support when you need it. Letting them know what is needed of them – whether you need practical help and advice, or a sympathetic ear – will make things easier for all parties.
If you find grandparents are getting too involved, talk to them about it rather than let any resentment grow. A quiet, polite word explaining your reasons and feelings will usually do the trick. Tell them, as a couple, that you appreciate their help but there are some areas that you have covered already. Many grandparents just want to spend as much time as possible with their grandchild, especially if it is their first, and they will understand.
Today's grandparents are often busy people, with assorted careers, social lives and interests: you're more likely to find them cycling around Bordeaux than sitting at home knitting bootees for your baby.
While most will love to offer occasional child care to help you and give you a break, more regular childcare of a pre-school child could be an overwhelming experience for them that doesn't suit their lifestyle.
When the time is right, discuss childcare options with them if you would like them to help you. Make sure that the terms of care are agreed by all parties and make sure the situation is reviewed regularly to ensure no one is being taken for granted. You should discuss paying them for their time too – don't assume that it will come for free.
It's not unusual for one set of grandparents to feel left out in favour of the other. Try to understand why that may be. If it's simply logistical – one set of grandparents may live much closer than the other or has more free time – it may be unavoidable. Otherwise, try to keep times and chores equally distributed. For the set that sees less of their grandchild, make them feel special and important whenever you can: regular phone calls or sending them new photos as your little one grows are simple ways of keeping them involved.
If you feel that you're being criticised unfairly, remember to try to take advice in the spirit that it's offered and try to keep a sense of perspective. Even the most clichéd overbearing mother-in-law wants the best for your little one. You may be feeling overly sensitive too, especially if suffering from a lack of sleep. If you feel tension mounting, take a deep breath, count to ten, then start again.
Whatever the situation, never lose sight of the power of communication. If you sense your relationship with any of the grandparents is under strain, talk and try to resolve any tensions with good grace and humour.
you may also be interested in these products...